Fangirls are Scary
by Anel Red and the Cap'n
Summary: Pietro is busy admiring himself when he is attacked by one of the dreaded Fangirls. Horrors!
1. Poor Remy

This is Caps first fic, so be easy. I helped, of course. Criticizing and commenting and laughing when he misspelled something. Its fun to be mean.  
  
Disclaimer: Captain Giraffe and I do not own X-Men in any way shape or form. If we did we'd be quite the happy campers.  
  
Fangirls are Scary  
  
Remy LeBeau watched the girl across the street nervously. Nervously because he was certain she was stalking him. And because she wore a T-shirt with his face on it and was waving a flag (also with his face on it) that proclaimed in large violent pink letters 'I Luv Remy'. The pink alone was enough to keep him awake and weeping at night for weeks. And Sabretooth already did that enough for all the Acolytes. Furthermore he was nervous because she was most certainly one of the dreaded Fangirls.  
Several people walked by and stared at the girl then looked at him and began to laugh. The girl saw what they were laughing at and squealed.  
"Oh (Remy drops the S bomb in French)"  
  
***  
  
Jennie was a Fangirl. A crazy, jealous Fangirl, far worse than any Fanboy could ever be. Who, do you ask, is Jennie's object of Fangirldom? Remy LeBeau. Of course it is. But you could probably tell that by the few paragraphs above about Remy, that it was indeed him.  
Jennie had been following her love all day, this time actually letting him see her, and not taping leaves to her forehead to disguise herself as a bush. She was done admiring him from afar and writing love letters to herself and signing his name at the bottom, then going through the whole mailing procedure. But where had he gone?  
There! Where that group of people were laughing and pointing at her. She waved to them, and then dashed across the street toward her one true love. Before she could reach him, however, a cupcake vendor (much like a hotdog vendor but with cupcakes instead of the pig/squirrel/ kangaroo meat in a bun) walked in front of Remy and when he had gone by Remy was gone! Oh my goodness!  
"Damn you Senor Cupcake!" as that was the brand of cupcake. "That's the third time my love has mysteriously disappeared whilst a cupcake vendor carted by!" Jennie stomped her foot in frustration then set about to locate Remy again.  
  
***  
  
Remy pushed open the side of the cupcake cart. This had been a very trying, cupcake filled day for everybody's favorite red eyed mutant, and he was seriously considering going back to the base, crying in his room, and stuffing his face with all of the cupcakes he'd stolen. Having a stalker wasn't as much fun as he had thought it would be.  
He sauntered-that's right, Remy has to saunter, he's to cool to just walk even if he is about to break down and cry-down the sidewalk, thankful to have gotten away from that crazy girl with his face on a flag. He knew, however, that she would find him. She already had several times today, after other badly coordinated cupcake cart escapes. Strange how one who so obviously suffers from some severe mental debilitation can be so good at tracking down someone like our friend Gambit. Strange indeed.  
Well, Remy continued to saunter and ponder about how hard it would be for the crazed Fangirl to find him if he got some sort of drastic plastic surgery. Due to these intense ponderings he had a fatal lack of attention, which is pretty retarded considering, and Jennie was able to run up behind him and throw a burlap sack over his head.  
  
***  
  
Remy screamed in surprise as Jennie tried to lift him and throw him over her shoulder.  
"Darn! It always works in the movies." She bit her lip in confusion.  
"Dat is because it is usually de man who tries to kidnap de woman you fool!" Remy said, his voice muffled by the bag.  
"Ooh.,"then genius struck her. Psychotic genius, not real genius.  
"Oh excuse me!" She called to two men leaning against a car. They looked up which meant they had obviously heard her loud nasal voice and were at full attention. "Could you please carry this for me to my truck, as I am too small and delicate to do so myself?" The men shrugged and nodded, as they were only cameos and not permitted to speak under penalty of being tied up and poked continuously with a stick for two days.  
Jennie skipped behind the two, obviously pleased with her own psychotic genius. She grinned and began to cackle evilly for soon she would have Remy all to herself unable to escape, because if he blew up the sack he was in he too would be blown up.  
They lifted Remy and carried him as they would carry a table, roughly and with little thought of its tendencies to bruise. And so they lugged him along, oblivious to his screams of terror.  
  
***  
  
Remy yelped in pain as he was tossed unto the bed of the truck, owned by aforementioned crazy Fangirl, Jennie. They had passed two policemen on the short walk and they had only nodded and smiled stupidly as he was hefted on by. He cursed under his breath about "dumbass Bayville cops" until he heard the engine start and felt the truck move.  
He then began to panic. Yes after all that had happened Remy now began to panic. Good timing. Then he remembered something he'd seen on Animal Planet. He had walked into the sitting room and sat down as that is what a sitting room is for, only to see that John had left Animal Planet on, having attained all the stupid ideas he needed on how to catch venomous snakes. Remy had decided he was too lazy to move and seeing as how the remote had been found two days prior, melted on the floor, it was Animal Planet he watched. And from which he learned if a raccoon set his mind to it he could chew his way out of a burlap sack.  
"So why can't Remy do de same?" Why not? He pondered on this a few minutes until the truck hit a pot hole and he lost his trail of thought. After regaining it, he quickly set about his task.  
Thanks to the unrealisticity of the writers and general fan fiction, the truck drove aimlessly long enough for Remy to chew his way to freedom.  
"One t'ing dey did not mention was how bad de burlap sacks tasted," he muttered dryly. At that time he chose to crawl to the back of the truck bed and then and only then did he attract the attention of his kidnapper.  
"Hey get back in your sack darling! We're almost there!" Remy squeaked fearfully then shouted.  
"Tuck and roll!" and leapt from the truck.  
  
***  
  
Jennie watched in horror as Remy bounced unrealistically, and then stood, brushed himself off then calmly sauntered away. She was so busy watching him, in fact, that some of Captain Giraffe's realistic-ness managed to struggle through the cloud enshrouding his brain and thusly made her crash into a pole.  
However the realistic-ness was short lived and she managed to wander away unharmed after the car had exploded twice and an airplane had crashed into it. None of those onboard were harmed either but they were so riled up that they began to riot and loot the surrounding stores.  
Immediately she began tracking Remy again. She followed the trail of random explosions until she reached Bayville High. What could Remy be doing here? She stood there staring at the building until it occurred to her to go inside because he was obviously in there as indicted by the fact that the main door had been blown up. She smiled. Only Remy would blow up doors he could easily open by wrapping his hand around the handle and pulling.  
No one seemed to have noticed the fact that the front doors were gone and all that remained was a dark smoking hole in their place. As she walked, Principle Kelly appeared out of nowhere for some random reason unbeknownst to all.  
"Do you have a pass?" He asked in his 'I'm cool cuz I rule da school' voice.  
"Um. hey look! It's your male lover Magneto!" Kelly whipped about, excitement in his eyes, while Jennie snuck away snickering, proud of her use of the simple logic, that if two people hated each other they were obviously in love, and who is more Kelly's enemy than Magneto? No one that's who!  
  
***  
  
Remy peered through the window in the door of the class room. He had come to the school in the hopes that his chere would help him. Because why wouldn't she? He would blow the crazy Fangirl up, but she had already survived several explosions and having a plane dropped on her. So he doubted his powers would work on her. He was certain that Rogues would, though. And if they didn't.his brain gave out, unable to think of what he could do if such a thing were to happen.  
So Remy charged the door and dashed away around a corner until he heard the BOOM, then he ventured into the room. No one had noticed, once again, that something had exploded and everyone ignored him as he walked in, took a puzzled looking Rogue by the arm and led her out. Seriously, the teacher kept on with his lesson and everything.  
"What are you doin' Gambit?" Rogue pondered aloud. Rogue ponders too.  
"Gambit needs your help, chere," and then he explained what had occurred while she was in school learning various random stuffage the teachers decided would be fun to teach.  
"Huh," she said, ".so why don't you just blow 'er up?" she pondered once again.  
"I told you chere! She is impervious to explosions!" Rogue pondered this as well then her brain froze as she had attempted to think on what would happen if her powers did not work on the crazy stalker Fangirl.  
Just then the crazy stalker Fangirl, Jennie rounded the corner and saw Remy with Rogue.  
"No! My love, how could you do this to me!!!!!" she shrieked. Remy who had had his fill of this crap picked Rogue up and threw her at Jennie. Jennie screamed as all her psycho thoughts and psycho memories were drained. After this she collapsed on the floor.  
"Well that worked," Rogue said, disturbed by all the craziness in the girls mind. "Wow, she wanted to do some really sick things to you."  
"Yeah," Remy sighed, "Want a cupcake?"  
  
The End  
  
Well that's it for this chapter. Any suggestions on who should be chased around by crazy Fangirls next? Tell me my friends! 


	2. Pyro vs a Boat

Chapter Two! Oh my God! I finally decided to get off my butt and write it because I know you're all just dieing to read my beautiful work. Anyway. It's about Pyro because you all threatened to kill me in my sleep if I didn't write about him so here it is! Hooray! Also there were some strange requests that just made me scratch my head in mild confusion. Like the professor. But that's cool.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Pyro or any other X-Men Evolution characters, though Anel did go crazy Fangirl and lock St. John in a cage in her room a few days ago. But she doesn't own him despite what her state of delusion may make her believe. I also don't own any songs that may be sung in this chapter.  
  
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Fangirls are Scary, Chapter Two  
  
"Yo, ho, ho, it's a pirate's life for me!" St. John Allerdyce sang as he skipped along merrily. The reason he sang this particular song was because he was at the docks and fell it was appropriate. Why was he at the docks? I stopped questioning why Pyro does anything a long time ago, why cant you?  
Then he saw a crowd of people who were just walking along the docks and not singing OR skipping so he decided to follow them to see why. Or maybe he decided to follow them because he thought it would be funny. I told you. Well anyway, he followed them because he did and then suddenly there was a boat. Not on the docks! In the water. It was a big shiny boat that reminded John of his favorite lighter (whom he lovingly called Zippy) and so he snuck aboard.  
There were all kinds of boring people on board who did not see fit to sing and skip so he decided to do so for them.  
"Shake yo grove thang, yeah, yeah!" he sang and did so as the words told him to, as the crowd around him slowly backed away from the crazy singing kid with orange hair. Madness! Just then a man with a clip board came over and tapped John on the shoulder. John, who hated to be interrupted whilst he sang, asked what the bloody hell the man wanted.  
"Name please, sir." The man asked as he was the designated boat bouncer and threw all stowaways over board.  
"St. John Allerdyce," St. John Allerdyce said with great impatience. The boat bouncer ran his down the list, which indicated that there must have been about a hundred people whose last names began with 'A', onboard.  
"Oh! St. John, you belong in the dining hall, sir!" The bouncer said and pointed in a direction in which the dining hall must be. John didn't question why he had to go to the dining hall, or even why he was on the list, he just reasoned that in the dining hall there would be many a flammable thing to enflame and so he went.  
"Thanks, mate," he called over his shoulder and frolicked away hoping there were no sprinklers in the hall and that there was nothing flame- retardant in there as theses two things were among his worst nightmares, along with being forbidden to sing forever and Pokemon.  
Upon arrival at aforementioned dinging hall, John saw why it was imperative that he grace this place with his presence. All along the walls there were posters of him, made from pictures he did not remember having taken, there were stuffed St. John dolls everywhere and all the tablecloths were decorated with flames. What the hell was going on in there? Let us see.  
The place was packed with girls wearing clothes depicting his face, and a banner hung across the entrance that read "WELCOME FANGIRLS!" So all John had to do was put two and two together-which took about twenty minutes- and he realized this event for what it was.  
"It's a bloody Fangirl convention. For me!" Goodness, it must be! John turned to run away, for Remy had told him about Fangirls and how crazy and unpredictable they were, only to see that the boat had cast off, without anyone noticing. Darnit! Then he heard something that terrified him.  
"OH MY GAWD, IT'S HIM!"  
"Eek!"  
  
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John waited until the stampede of flame decorated sneakers had gone by to drag himself out from under the bed, which had been left in the middle of the hall for some reason. He had been running from the herd of Fangirls for hours and he was really starting to get tired. Then it occurred to him.  
"Why not just set them all on fire?" Good idea John! Huzzah! So John waited for them in ambush. Well not really, he stood in the middle of the hall flicking his lighter on and off until he forgot what he was supposed to be doing and just wandered away. He didn't remember what he had been planning until the herd of Fangirls rounded a corner and screamed Fangirlishly. John looked at them, then looked at his lighter, then looked at them again, then looked once more at his lighter.  
"Oh!" he said as it clicked in his head. The girls decided now to charge after John had remembered because they were pretty stupid, and John clicked on his lighter and made fire stream along the hall towards them in the form of a tiger because John thought tigers were cool.  
His plan seemed to be working well and John began to sing "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!" Then, to his horror the Fangirls emerged from his fire storm, completely unharmed, because if you read the previous chapter you learned that Fangirls are impervious to fire, and that Captain Giraffe is a fool.  
"Oh, crikey!" he shouted, because Anel is sitting right behind Captain Giraffe and she would beat him if he didn't make St. John say 'Crikey!' at least once. Also because it was just generally weird for people not to be burned by John's fire.  
"St. John! We love you!" they chorused in unison. John screamed and turned to run only to be confronted by another herd of Fangirls. He was surrounded, but you could already tell that. Oh it was quite the pickle for Pyro. Then a section of the wall opened and a crazed looking old man stuck his head out.  
"In here!" he said and gestured for John to do so. John looked at the crazy old man hesitantly, then considered the alternative and ducked into the tunnel. The man led him down the tunnel until it opened up into a room filled with other men, some not so old and crazy looking as this one.  
"Howdy!" one that was dressed as a cowboy said. John eyed them all doubtfully then the old man stood up and addressed them all.  
"This is St. John Allerdyce, otherwise known as Pyro, and a victim of Fangirldom just as we are. The only difference between him and us is that he is a mutant!" The other men looked at him and the confused look on his face, which was usually present but not for as good a reason as now.  
"This here boat," the cowboy one said, "has been used to trap all us objects of Fangirldom for three decades! Jim there's been here since 1973, he has, and he hain't been to happy bout it. None've us are. That's where you come in. See, we was hopin' you might be able to help us escape from this here boat." John absorbed this speech told in an accent of American South and only grew more confused.  
"But Fangirls are unyielding to flames and explosions! I can't do anything." The cowboy nodded and looked about to say something but then the writer decided he had spoken enough and put another stupid plot twist in.  
There was a loud banging sound and then suddenly: "They're down here!" Obviously, you fools. Then there was a chorus of girlish screaming, not from the Fangirls but from the men who hid from them, and they ran out of a back tunnel that was just conveniently there for no reason. John stood there for a minute because he hadn't been paying attention and because he was writing new lyrics to the birthday song that were just more fun, then he realized everyone was gone and he ran out the back tunnel too singing.  
"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! You live like a monkeeeeeeeey, and you smell like one too!" John is so friggin creative, aint he? Yes he is. Back to the pointlessness!  
  
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They emerged out on deck and were surprised to see that night had fallen, just because more useless plot was needed. This is getting really non-pointful. Even though it never WAS pointful. And pointful isn't a word. So time to stop rambling non-pointfully.  
"Wow, sure got dark out fast," the cowboy said, for lack of something useful to say. Then there was more girlish screaming, this time emanating from the Fangirls and the men squeaked and ran again. John sighed, as this was boring and he had the attention span of a fruit fly so then he saw the railing and decided what fun it would be to play gymnastics. Oh goody!  
"I believe I can fly!" he belted, then the Fangirls emerged and he remembered all the idiocy of the above thirty five paragraphs.  
"Oh, bloody oath," he muttered before he slipped on the railing and fell down into the ocean.  
Don't worry kids, John can't die because then all the Fangirls would come and make ME die and we can't have that can we? No we can't. So even though the water was negative twenty degrees, shark and barracuda infested and riddled with all kinds of icky pollutants John managed to swim to shore safely. Even though he should have passed out from exhaustion and drowned, but we all know how unrealistic Cap'n Giraffe is so he lived. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
"What happened to you, home?" Remy asked as John trudged across the floor, soaking wet and smelling of various things we'd not like to mention.  
  
"I fell off a boat and swam across twenty miles of water to shore then I had to catch a cab here and the driver is about four blocks away because I told him I lived in that crack house and that I'd be right back out. Oh, and I had to stop and buy some Christmas cookies. You want one?" Remy sat thinking about whether he wanted a cookie from a man soaked and smelling so foully.  
". . .Yes."  
  
Yay! It's finished! Aren't you so happy? Of course you are, you crazy Pyro Fangirls. I think I'll do Scott next unless about fifty of you ask for Piotr, who isn't recognized as a word by Microsoft. Darn you, Bill Gates! 


	3. Bubbles are Fun!

I'm so horribly lazy. There's really no excuse for me to have taken so long to write this. Other than, you know, I'm really lazy. Anyhoo.. I was watching Teen Titans this morning (nothing to do with X-Men really) and it was that one when Beast Boy is jealous of Aqua Lad and then they're best friends after about twenty minutes. Somehow that inspired this chapter. There are OCs in here but they really just magically die like Jennie and the boat Fangirls. Much pointless drivel.  
  
Disclaimer: I /do/ own X-Men Evolution, they are mine because- (little man in a suit walks up and hands the Cap'n a piece of paper) WHAT? I don't own X-Men? Holy crap. When did that happen?  
  
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Fangirls are Scary, Chapter Three. YAY!  
  
Pietro Maximoff sat on the couch, submerged in his enormous ego, when for some reason Mystique magically appeared in front of him.  
  
"Quicksilver. Guess what?" she looked very excited for she was bouncing on her heals and her eyes were twice as big as her head, like in Pokemon.  
  
"What?" he said in annoyance, for he hated to be bothered whilst he admired how great he was, for he was surely superior to all things in the entire universe including /Alternate/ Universes. BOW TO HIM!  
  
"NO! You have to guess," Mystique said stubbornly and pouted because all adults whine and pout because they think they can get away with it. They can't.  
  
"Fine.. um.. oh! You got my Dragon Ball Z boxers back from Piotr?" she shook her head, "Eh, you finally confessed your undying love to Cyclops?" again she shook her head, "Okay.. both your children forgave you for abandoning them and ran back into your arms and you got them to call you mumsey?" He began to think her neck was kinked up because she shook her head once more. "Can you just tell me? I'm obviously not going to guess as I am obviously incompetent. Proved by my continuous use of the word obviously." Mystique sighed.  
  
"Very well, I will tell you." Then she just stood there smiling and nodding to herself as if she /had/ told him even though she hadn't and whatever she had not told him was positively fantaculistic. Pietro, however quickly forgot about her because he saw his reflection in the TV and his stunningly masculine male beauty stupefied him.  
  
Three days later Lance walked in and saw them in the same exact spots and realized what had happened. He ran to get a stick and prodded both of them out of their stupidity and then snuck away.  
  
"Hello? Mystique? You never told me your big news." Mystique realized this was true and proceeded to tell him her funtacular news.  
  
"Well I was at Taco Bell, minding my own business. Suddenly, I noticed my booth was on fire and I was so terribly upset I needed to go to the bathroom. After I was done I began amusing myself by changing into all the celebrities I hate and making them say really stupid things and painting their faces with green lipstick while watching myself do so in the mirror," Pietro looked at his watch and again caught his reflection and would have fallen into another stupor if Mystique hadn't screamed.  
  
"What?!" he shrieked girlishly.  
  
"I was just showing you how the girl reacted when she saw Doctor Phil wearing a pink bikini in the ladies room."  
  
"What girl?"  
  
"The girl who walked into the bathroom."  
  
"Ah. Continue then."  
  
"Very well. Immediately, I changed into my regular blue spectacular self. She screamed again and suddenly the bathroom was filled with floating pink bubble hearts. I realized she was a mutant and quickly explained who I was and then invited her to join the Brotherhood." Pietro suddenly noticed that there was a girl standing right next to Mystique, and apparently she had been there the whole time. She beamed at him and began to drool, clasping her hands together and swaying from side to side. Pietro gasped. Could it be? Yes, yes it could. She showed all the signs. Good lord, she was a Fangirl! Crikey.  
  
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Pietro ran screaming from the room and didn't stop until he was a good ten miles away, but we all know Fangirls are part of another dimension and are not affected by the Space Time Continuum. So Pietro heaved a sigh of relief only to have it cut short upon finding the Fangirl standing right beside him.  
  
"Please don't hurt me! I'm too glorious to die!" he whimpered, yet managed to sound manly while doing so.  
  
"Hi, my name is Christine. I love you!" she said oblivious to his pleading. He screamed and tried again to run away. This time he ended up at the mall. There had to be someplace he could hide. A place no woman would ever venture into. THERE! A porno shop! Perfect. He hid behind the Hentai rack, believing he was safe.  
  
"Sweetheart! There you are. Look, I made one of my bubble hearts just for you!" she held up her hand and indeed a purple bubble heart appeared above her hand, and others floated up around her head. Pietro sighed; he realized there was no escape so he just decided to wander aimlessly until he died.  
  
Christine followed him, rambling incessantly about their wedding and how adorable he would look in one of those blue seventies tuxedos. The ones with frill. Goody.  
  
"Hey Pietro!" Pietro turned, hoping it was Wanda out for his blood again but it was only Kitty Pryde.  
  
"Oh, hey," he said disappointedly. Christine stopped making heart bubbles and turned in awe of Kitty Pryde, whose powers were just as useless as hers and therefore one to be idolized.  
  
"Like, hi! Who's this?"  
  
"I'm Christine! I make floating heart bubbles!"  
  
"Like, wow, totally awesome!" Kitty exclaimed. Pietro attempted to slink away but Christine used her Fangirl powers to catch him and clung to his arm. Kitty saw this and blinked in surprise. This was a Fangirl. Like, totally weird!  
  
"Like, you better let him go, Fangirl!" she said shaking her fist threateningly, because all objects of Fandom band together when they are threatened by those who worship them endlessly.  
  
"Never!" Christine cried and began a mass production of brightly colored heart bubbles with angry faces. Kitty, though there was really no need to do so because bubbles pop when you touch them and they were not a real obstacle, phased through them and pulled Christine's hair. Christine scratched at her face with her fake nails. Pietro watched with little interest as he was doomed and nothing mattered anymore, until he realized Remy was standing next to him.  
  
"What're you doing here?" he asked to a chorus of angry cat sounds.  
  
"Remy always dere for a cat fight," he said nonchalantly.  
  
"Oh. Hey you've dealt with Fangirls. Is the situation hopeless?"  
  
"Yes. Wait.. from what Remy has gathered Fangirls can only be defeated by a female mutant. Or maybe it's just Rogue. Couldn't hurt to try, dough."  
  
"Try dough?" Remy rolled his eyes. –I really have to stop talking like that- he thought.  
"Jus' tell Kitty to phase t'rough her an' dat should work." Remy said.  
  
"Kitty phase t'rough her and that should work!" Pietro shouted. Kitty did so, causing Fangirl Christine's brain to malfunction, much like a machine, and the crazy Fangirl fell over.  
  
"Huh. It worked." Pietro said. Remy nodded sadly for he had not been able to see the whole catfight. Now he would have to go find /another/ one. Heavy sigh and eye roll.  
  
Pietro and Kitty stood there awkwardly for a while until Kitty said, "Like, we should totally hook up!" which caused Pietro to run away.  
  
A few hours later Lance walked into the living room and found Pietro smiling at his reflection in a spoon, Toad drooling over Wanda, Wanda scowling in disgust, and Fred eating slop out of a trough.  
  
"I'll get the stick," he sighed.  
  
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There. You are now ten percent stupider then you were when you began reading this. Congratulations! My brain hurts. Much love my fellow authors. Review please! 


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